A Thought About The Church

A fellow pastor once told me that he used to be part of the military.  He said that the military was nothing like the church.  He said that when an officer in the military was down his fellow officers would do whatever it took to lift him up.  If he died in action they would always stop to get his tags or do whatever they could to help his family. Not so in the church.  He said it's the only place in the world that upon seeing one of it's members down and out, the entire assembly steps up to finish the job.  O God make us a humble people, don't let our church ever be that kind of place. Help us to forgive as Jesus did, to live according to your word and love each other so that all will truly see that we are your disciples. God forgive your church for it's failures and unite us together in your perfect love. That's all I ever want to have to say about that.......ever.

A Thought About Menopause

I'm very happy to say that I wouldn't know a thing about it yet. That's all I'm going to say about that.......for now

A Thought About My God Daughter Elizabeth

I watch her from across the room. She laughs at me with her wide open grin.  She jumps up and down on her mothers knee as she stares back at me, as if excited to see me.  I love this kid.  I can't wait to hold her.  The problem is that she's so cute that everyone else wants to hold her too.

She gets passed around from person to person, but she's still laughing and looking at me. As they pass her down the pew she gets closer and closer to where I am sitting. I get all excited hoping that she gets passed right on down until she reaches me. She chews her hand, her first tooth just poking through.  She's so cute!

She giggles and smiles....closer and closer she gets....I patiently wait till it's my turn.  But then.... back she goes in the other direction.  This happens over and over until I can't stand it any longer. It's like torture and I can't do a thing about it......I sit for a bit all bent out of shape and then it hits me.

I don't have to put up with this, it's just not fair!!! Besides not only am I the godmother, but I'm the Pastor!!!!

I stand up and grab her before she gets passed too far out of my reach.  Nobody dares to fight me on this.....I just give them 'the look'.  Finally she's mine......she looks at me and smiles, she squeals again, reaches out, pulls my hair with both her hands and pulls my head as hard as she can til her face is touching mine. Right where I want her. A bit more aggressive than I had wanted but still, that's ok because she's finally mine! We're finally together just her and me.  I know she can feel it too....this bond that only a godmother and her godchild can share.  We're both in heaven.

Just then her grandfather walks by, her head jolts in his direction, she stiffens out and pushes me away!!! Game over. What a rip off!

It's OK though, I'll just wait until next week and when she's older I'll bribe her with toys! And that's all I have to say about that......for now.

Have ya ever just had one of those day?

Ever just have one of those days when ya feel like everyone is picking on ya? I am definitely not feeling like the top dog today! It all started when I backed into my sons car in the drive way this morning and it's been all down hill from there.  There's a verse in the Bible that says "This is the day that the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it"  We are to give God glory for all that goes on in our lives.  Even those hard to handle situations that can devastate us in an instant have all been (hard as it is to believe) filtered through his fingers of love and dropped into our lives; lives that he holds deep in the palm of his omnipotent hands.  He promises that he will work all things together for our good and his glory.  I can't imagine how he's going to use this day for my good and his glory, I just know I need to be open for his teaching.  Unfortunately it is true that I do learn better and faster when I'm in the pit.  So for what it's worth "Hallelujah, praise the Lord" for today of all days. I hope I can be a good student and learn quickly.......I don't really like it down here!    Someone once said "it's not on the mountain, but in the depth of the valley where the flowers flourish and grow."  I sure hope this to be true in my life.....and that's all I'm going to say about that.....for now.

A Thought About Ministry Bloopers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IymxMidkyI4&feature=related

One of the prerequisites for being in full time ministry is that you must be able to laugh at yourself. You are, whether you like it or not, going to have many embarrassing moments.....most likely in front of a lot of people, whether that be on the platform or just standing in the foyer.  I think that all of us who have been in ministry for any length of time will have a list of belittling mistakes that we so wish we could just sweep under the rug.  I don't really want to talk about my embarrassing moments but I do want to share some of the others that I have heard of. I will be sure not to mention any names so there is no further embarrassment......nothing like rubbing it in. I'm sure my colleagues will love me for it though!

One day a fellow English speaking pastor was preaching at a Vietnamese Church. He would speak and someone would translate his sermon into Vietnamese.  One of the lines in the sermon had to do with "Karla Fay Tucker" which is a hard name to say fast even by an English speaking person.  If you can't see how this name could be misconstrued, just try saying it as fast as you can 10 times. Well, the poor translator who mis spoke it almost had a cardiac arrest. Trying to regain his composer was made even more difficult by the young girls sitting in the front row who were laughing so hard that the pew was actually shaking. You have to give him credit for even being able to finish to the end.


Another friend was telling me about the ministry position he had applied for as a Children's Pastor at a local Chinese church.  He was asked to come and give a message to the English speaking congregation as part of the application process.  My friend was fairly nervous and not quite sure what to expect since he had never ministered in a Chinese church before.  As usual, his very supportive wife accompanied him that morning and quietly sat at the very back of the auditorium, behind the congregation.  The message was given and was very well received by everyone.  At the end of the message, this young pastor's wife, wanting to be sure that he did his best, was determined to remind him not to forget to close in prayer after his message was complete.  So still standing at the back where no one could see her, she stood up, put her hands together (as to pray) and she bowed her head down in order to signal to him to be sure to close in prayer.  My friend, not knowing Chinese culture, thought that maybe his wife had learned something that he didn't know and totally misunderstood her intentions.  At the end of his message he walked to the front of the stage, put his hands in front of him as to pray, and proceeded to bowed down twice in front of all the Asian people in the room!  He immediately went to the Senior pastor to apologize for the terrible fopaw.  I've never laughed so hard about anything in my life!  And just for the record, he did end up getting the job.


One Sunday I was singing a solo, using a background tape.  The first verse went fine but when I got to the second verse I drew a complete blank and couldn't remember the words.  So I continued to sing, making up the words as I went along.  I was doing just fine too, until the background singers (on the tape) came in singing totally different words!!  My wonderful congregation all pretended that they didn't notice a thing! That was the last time I ever trusted myself to memorize the words to anything.


It's a good thing that most pastors have very loving and forgiving congregations who understand that we are all learning and that we all make mistakes. I've had more than my share of humiliating moments. It's just a lot easier to laugh about other pastors embarrassing mistakes than it is my own......they seem a whole lot funnier to me than mine, but I am getting better at learning to laugh at myself. I haven't died from embarrassment yet....but that day may indeed come!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1n3ASzTQCzc&feature=player_embedded

I'm sure you've all seen these bulletin bloopers before but they just never get stale!

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. 

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jones to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The church office will be closed until opening. It will remain closed after opening. It will reopen Monday.

Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.

Hymn Blooper: "All people that on earth do swell"

Sermon Blooper: "Let everything that hath breasts praise the Lord!"

The lady at the Bible Study was tearful and crying constantly. She also appeared to be depressed.

The beautiful flowers on the altar this morning are to celebrate the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

At the Ladies Liturgy Society this Thursday, Mrs. Smith will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our bell choir practice.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They maybe seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Questionnaire :

"What is your Church Preference?"
Answer : "I prefer a red brick church."

The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 P.M. Please use the back door.

On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of a new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will please come forward to get a piece of paper.


There is a sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be baptized on the table in the foyer.


Janet Smith has volunteered to strip and refinish the communion table in the sanctuary.


Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.


The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.


The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Bains.


The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.


The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped My Pledge----Up Yours."


Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."


If you need to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.


A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.


Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.


Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation. 


We pray that our people will jumble themselves.


Thursday at 5:00PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his study.


Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."


This evening at 7 PM there will be a group practice in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.


The sermon this morning: WOMEN IN THE CHURCH
The closing song: RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD

The sermon this morning: GOSSIP ... THE SPEAKING OF EVIL
The closing song: I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY

The sermon this morning: CONTEMPORARY ISSUES #3 ... EUTHANASIA
The closing song: TAKE MY LIFE

Volunteers are needed to spit up food for distribution following the Restaurant Supply Show at the Expo Center.


Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.


The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.


The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.


The Sunday Night Men's Glee Club will meet on Saturday at the park, unless it rains.
In that case they will meet at their regular Tuesday evening time.


It's Drug Awareness Week: Get involved in drugs before your children do.


Illiterate? Write to the church office for help.


The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.


The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.


(a most unfortunate blooper during the pastor's ilness:)
GOD IS GOOD! Dr. Hargreaves is better!


After consultation with the pastor she left the church feeling much better except for her original complaints.


ANOINTING OF THE SICK ... If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.


This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the Church. Children will be Baptized at both ends. 


Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!


The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.


Bulletin of a church with a rather elderly congregation: "Mr Brookes will be in the church foyer at the end of today's service. Transport can be provided if required."


Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.


When I was the "maintenance guy" at my former church, I left a note attached to a receipt in the office for the secretary. Note read:
"Van Battery died." The secretary was concerned that she didn't know this church member, and asked how she should announce his passing in the bulletin.


Church sign: The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.


A nervous pastor preaching his first sermon. Instead of "God called me to heal the sick, raise the dead, and cast out the devil."
what came out was, "God called me to heal the dead, cast out the sick, and raise the devil."


Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gates of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."


THAT'S ABOUT ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT .......... FOR NOW.

A Thought About Life

It has been said "Dance like there is no one watching; sing like there is no one listening!" Well I think I want to change that to say "Dance when everyone is watching; sing especially while everyone is listening!"  Share all of yourself whole heartedly!


We never know what tomorrow will bring so live each day in the light of eternity. Seize the moment and wring from it every drop that you are able. Love and enjoy the people who matter the most and be sure that they know what they mean to you; you might be very glad that you took those opportunities while you had the chance.  Continue on towards your goals and the fulfillment of God's plan for your life. Enjoy every good gift that He has given you.  Allow Him to wrench out of your deepest pains and trials the healing and goodness that only He can bring; but don't stop there, allow Him to use it all to help, teach, or bring comfort to others who are experiencing the same painful circumstances.  Live like there is no tomorrow and make the most of every single day.  In other words, before you die - live!
"Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth" (Proverbs 27:1 NIV).
That's about all I'm going to say about that.....for now.

A Thought About Christmas Day

When I was little even Santa came to celebrate the coming of the Saviour
Christmas day was a time for family; a time for food; a time to see my cousins; a time to wear that new outfit I got from mom and dad; a time for candies on the table; turkey, stuffing, turnips, mashed potatoes and gravy and of course the pillbury cresent rolls. But it always had Jesus in it.
Christmas eve was always a drag because I had to go to bed so early. My sisters would wake me up around 3am and start sending me in to ask my parents if we could get up yet.  This would go on every 15 minutes for a couple of hours before my parents would actually let us get up. 

Christmas seemed so much simpler then; and it was so much more exciting than it is now.
I don't know if it's all the conditioning I had as a kid but I'm still getting up early in the morning and going in and asking my KIDS if we can get up now and open presents!  My three scrooges are so spoiled rotten that they don't even care.  The presents are opened, the paper and boxes are everywhere, everyone is miserable because they were up late the night before and of course no one feels like eating because of the feast they were consuming just a few hours before.  Then of course all the bills come in and we have to pay for everything! It's all become so comercial and I've tried so hard to keep up with the Joneses that I've fallen right into the whole secular trap. Christmas is suppose to be about the birth of the Saviour; a time for celebrating that as a family but sadly I've never bought Him a thing! Christ definitly needs to be put back into Christmas.  How do we turn back the clock and bring back the real reason for the season?  Yes, believe it.....it can even happen to a pastor's family.  I think maybe I should just not buy any presents, have no dinner, forget about planning any family activities and just sleep in late and celebrate the birth of our Lord in the middle of July instead........I wonder how that would go over?